Dating Yourself
And how to attract the hot gym man of your dreams
Hi lovers!
How the fuck is it almost June? Hot Girl Summer crept up a little too fast. As a woman, it can feel really daunting to put on a bikini after being so covered up all winter. I had a beach day on Sunday post two Bloody Mary’s, a plate of Huevos Rancheros, and an order of truffle fries. You know when you’re so bloated that you can’t suck in your stomach without being in pain? That was me. So not only could I pass as two months pregnant, I forgot how well the sunlight really illuminates every single hair, roll, and wrinkle on your entire body. Some wonderful advice I heard recently to get into the HGS mindset (AKA not giving a shit about the hairs, rolls, and wrinkles) is to walk around your house naked as often as you can. Check yourself out in the mirror. Hype yourself up. After all, HGS is truly a mindset. And as someone who lives alone and does this pretty regularly if we’re being honest, I would 10/10 recommend.
On the topic of living alone, being newly single while also living solo for the first time in years has really thrown me for a loop. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve always been a very independent person. And genuinely, I do love spending time alone. I’ve traveled alone. I go to movies alone. I take myself out to restaurants alone. And now more than ever, I literally crave being alone after too many social interactions. But, I often find myself craving a romantic connection when being alone turns into feeling lonely.
There’s one thing my self-help books, therapy sessions, and podcast episodes all agree upon: the best relationships are formed when you are truly content and confident with being alone. When your own company is the best company. When you’re not afraid to do all of the things you want to do, with or without someone beside you.
Think about it. When you’re not searching for someone to fill a void because you’re able to fill it yourself, you won’t settle for someone out of desperation. Getting good at spending time alone allows you to figure out exactly who you are and exactly what you deserve. Hint: you deserve the fucking world.
Don’t get me wrong, we all crave a romantic connection. Being alone can inevitably get lonely, but these words aren’t interchangeable. While you can’t give yourself absolutely everything that a partner can give you (I’m keeping this PG13 because my mom reads this), you can get pretty damn close.
How to date yourself
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, learning how to spend time alone and how not to be codependent on someone is so important. It can get so easy to settle when you’re chasing happiness outside of yourself. Stop searching high and low for Miss Sarah Tonin when you can find her within. And if you’re in a relationship, it can be just as easy to lose yourself when you rely on your partner for everything. So here are some of my tried and true tips on how to date yourself.
1. Become your ideal partner
Something that has truly changed my life (and my friends know I don’t shut up about this) is that you need to become the person you want to attract. For example, I decided that I want to attract a hot gym man this summer. So, I became a hot gym man. I realized that I had no right to sit on my ass and eat shit while simultaneously trying to manifest someone with a great bod. While I’m definitely not eating white rice and chicken for dinner every night, the concept of “becoming” this person has made me so motivated.
If you want to attract someone vulnerable and empathetic - focus on embodying those characteristics every day. If you want a partner who is spontaneous and travels, go book a fucking flight. The more you can get on the same frequency of the person you want to attract, the more likely you’ll actually manifest them into your reality.
2. Give yourself what you give to others
A lot of the time, we depend on an external person to make us feel better. To give us validation. To spend time with us. To take us on dates, etc. Chances are, you are completely capable of giving yourself all of those things without chasing or relying on anyone else. This can look like validating yourself with daily affirmations or buying yourself flowers. It can look like taking yourself out to dinner or on a small weekend trip. The good news? You’ll never have to wait around for someone else or be disappointed with where you go to dinner since everything is completely in YOUR hands. How liberating is that?
So make a list of what you feel like you might need from a partner. And see how many of those boxes you can check off for yourself. If you’re craving male validation, say 10 affirmations every morning in the mirror. If you want to go on a dinner date, take yourself on one.
I’m not trying to be naive here. I know that some of these things can feel a lot more exciting with a partner. But looking inward and getting to a place where you don’t need somebody is, in my opinion, when that somebody typically shows up.
3. Do something that truly excites you
I fucking hate when people ask me what my hobbies are. I always feel pressure to lie and make something up to sound more interesting. But the reality is, a hobby is literally anything you want it to be. It’s whatever fills you up with passion and excitement. It can be reading or cooking or going on walks. And if you don’t know what that something is, start out by making a list. Write down the things that you love, that energize you, and that make you feel good. Try to look past your limiting beliefs and be honest with yourself. If you want to be a TikTok influencer, start posting baby. There’s no shame in the game. POUR yourself into what you love and watch yourself level up.
4. Make an effort to prioritize your alone time
As wonderful and oftentimes beneficial as distractions can be, it’s important to make a conscious effort to carve out alone time. I know that this can be really daunting for many of us. So start out small. Try to spend an afternoon by yourself. Then a night by yourself. After a while, try to take yourself to a movie or to a cafe alone. If the idea of that sounds painfully awkward, I’d recommend bringing a book or a journal to keep yourself busy. The more I did these things alone, the less weird it became. Think about it this way: have you ever looked at someone sitting alone in a movie or at a restaurant and thought twice about it? I sure haven’t. Chances are, no one gives a fuck that you’re alone. No one is judging you. I promise.
I truly believe that learning how to date yourself is the key to a successful relationship with not only yourself, but with a current/future partner. Once we are confident in ourselves and in our ability to be independent, we detach from the narrative that we need anyone else to be happy. At the end of the day, the only permanent thing we have is ourselves. Unfortunately, we cannot control if someone chooses to be with us. But we can feel safe in knowing that no matter what happens, we’ll be okay alone.
If you’re single, continue putting yourself out there and exploring your options. But know that you don’t need someone else to feel whole. Once we get that concept down (I’m still working on it), the pressure and desperate energy that often comes with dating suddenly lifts. Dating can become fun again. Did I just crack the code to living out the best HGS ever?