Let's Talk Ghosting
It's spooky szn. 👻
Hi my cute little friends,
I hope everyone is being a basic fall hoe and enjoying all the chilly, it’s-socially-acceptable-to-wear-slippers-in-public weather. I know I am!
Honestly, as much as I want to catch you all up on the last few weeks - we have more important things to discuss. Since Halloween is quickly approaching, I thought it would be fitting to talk about the spookiest topic of all: Ghosting.
Oh BABY. I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for so long. I have so many thoughts about ghosting. I’ve studied it like a fucking science. And I even surveyed a shit ton of my Instagram followers to get some data.
I debated how to approach this for quite some time now because my opinions around this are pretty set in stone. I don’t think there’s much room for debate here. So let’s get into it.
Unfortunately, I think most of us have been ghosted.
And when I asked my Instagram followers about the topic last week, I received over 150 responses. Mostly saying that getting ghosted made them feel like “a flaming sack of shit.” That was a direct quote.
When I entered the dating world after my long-term relationship, I didn’t know much about ghosting. Or at least how common it was. I most definitely didn’t think it would happen to me. I mean… I’m perfect? But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter how wonderful or amazing you are. Getting ghosted rarely has anything to do with you and everything to do with the person ghosting you.
What is ghosting?
The type of ghosting I’m going to reference in this newsletter is called “hard ghosting.” And if you’re fortunate enough to not know what I’m talking about, I’ll walk you through what a hard ghost looks like. Essentially, someone that you’re talking to or dating drops off the face of the planet and you never hear from them again. They stop talking to you abruptly with no explanation. To the point where the first thought that runs through your head after being left on read for a few days is “did they die????”
As I mentioned earlier, I conducted a little Instagram poll to understand how many people actually preferred getting ghosted to receiving a standard rejection. And as I suspected, about 85% of my 150 respondents prefer a formal rejection to a ghost. This is important for a few reasons.
It shows us that even though some of us may think ghosting is less harsh than a formal rejection, ghosting actually causes people more emotional pain.
It also tells us that 15% of my followers (roughly 22 people) felt that ghosting was okay and better than a rejection text in some cases. TBH, I was still shocked at how high this number was.
The goal of this newsletter is two-fold. I hope to bring a sense of peace and comfort to those of you who have been ghosted. And I also want to encourage those of you pro-ghosters to do better.
Let me just make a quick disclaimer here that I think there are certain (very few) exceptions where ghosting is okay. If someone blatantly disrespects you or crosses a clear boundary of yours, ghost away. If you have a drunk, one-night stand with someone and want to keep it that way, then say boo bitch. 👻
I got ghosted, now what?
I’ve gone back and forth for quite some time now about how much I wanted to share about my own experience getting ghosted. I think for a while, I was embarrassed. For a while, I thought something was wrong with me.
I was seeing a guy consistently for several months and he ghosted me. Like I’m talking this man woke up one day, left me on read (forever) and pretended like I no longer existed. I also saw him everywhere after he ghosted me because we are in the same social circle. He actually pretended like he couldn’t see me.
Listen - it is not someone’s fault for losing interest in you. And that’s exactly why people ghost for the most part: they lose interest. But instead of growing a pair and sending you a rejection text, this person literally decided to prioritize their own discomfort and leave you on read. To me, ghosting someone is the clearest indicator of their character. It demonstrates a lack of maturity, human decency, and empathy. In some cases, people who frequently ghost are either narcissists or have an avoidant attachment style. Both are probably not people you want to date. Guys - I know I’m being harsh here. But psychologists literally equate ghosting to a form of emotional abuse or cruelty.
When I asked my followers about how they felt after getting ghosted, I got a shit ton of responses with some common themes. Ghosting made people feel confused, anxious, obsessive, sad, shocked, and sick. One follower said, “I felt small, unimportant, and very sad. I would’ve felt better with a simple text rather than wondering what I did wrong.”
So if you’ve been ghosted, know that you’re not alone. And know that it has nothing to do with you. As stupid as this sounds, I actually want you to look at ghosting as a blessing in disguise. When someone ghosts you, there are no ifs, ands, or butts. It’s bitch behavior. Period. Imagine wasting one more second with someone who has that little regard for your feelings. A huge turn off if you ask me.
I’ve ghosted someone before, now what?
If you haven’t already caught on, I believe that ghosting is cruel. But I’m also here to admit that I have ghosted somebody before too. I’m not talking about not texting a guy back after a one-night stand or a first date. I ghosted a guy I had been seeing for months after he told me that he was in love with me.
As I mentioned earlier, 15% of my Instagram poll respondents think that ghosting is justified. And I’m going to tell you why, in most cases, it’s not.
If you’ve went on multiple dates, talked about feelings, were ~intimate~ with someone and then decide that you don’t want to pursue them anymore - that’s okay! But the decent, mature, empathetic, emotionally intelligent thing to do would be to just. fucking. tell them.
“Hey, you’re really great and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. But I don’t see this going anywhere and I really don’t want to waste your time. Good luck with everything!” A little cold, but pretty easy if you ask me.
When I probed my Insta followers to explain their pro-ghosting rationale, I heard things like:
“I’ve ghosted because I hate hurting people even with a genuine, honest text” or “sometimes it feels like the only way out.” I even got a few that were along the lines of “unless you are exclusive with someone, you are entitled to ghost. You don’t owe anyone anything.”
In my opinion, you do owe someone who invests time and energy into you some respect. Maybe a rejection doesn’t feel comfortable or kind, but I hope you can see by now that it is far more respectful than ghosting. Giving someone closure is the right thing to do. It’s the decent thing to do. And it doesn’t devalue the connection you once had with them like ghosting does. So no more “ghosting hurts them less” or “it’s the only way out.” Send the text. Take them to coffee and reject them to their face. I know you can do it!!
Just because it is common, does not mean it is normal.
I want you to know that if you’ve been ghosted, you are most certainly not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. Honestly, be thankful that this person showed you exactly what you don’t want in your future partner. And just because ghosting is common, does not mean that it is normal behavior. In fact, I think ghosting someone is weird as fuck. So don’t give any power back to the person who ghosted you. Don’t fear dating because of someone’s inability to be mature. You’ll find your person. And when you do, I promise you that you’ll be happy as hell that Casper over here removed themselves from your life.
And as for my little Casper the Ghost’s out there who I’ve been harsh with, I say this with all the love in the world: please reflect inwards to understand why you find it okay to ghost someone. And please reconsider how you end things with someone in the future.
I’m jetting off to Italy for a few weeks so I might go quiet for a bit again. In the meantime, please feel free to send me any upcoming newsletter topics at thepauseweekly@gmail.com.