Hi lovers,
I just want to thank each of you for reading this, for being so damn supportive, and for taking the time to reach out whether we’re friends or strangers. Your words hold so much weight and have motivated me to keep this going. Nothing in this world makes me happier than knowing the words I write resonate with some of you.
Writing this newsletter has also inspired me to live my life for the plot. I find myself saying “yes” to pretty much everything now so that I have juicy content to write about. And this kind of energy has made summer in Chicago nothing short of entertaining. Sometimes, you go out with the intention of getting a drink or two on a Friday night. And sometimes that Friday night turns into you getting home at 5 am because you ended up playing UNO and eating pizza in a warehouse with a famous NBA player.
Some other life updates: I’m finishing up week eight of my workout program and squatted a plate yesterday (135 pounds) for two reps. Keep in mind, I was barely able to squat 65 pounds three months ago post double-wrist surgery. So for me, this is huge. AND my high vibration playlist that I shared last week now has over 1,100 likes on Spotify. Sharing music is truly a love language for me. There is really no greater form of validation than knowing people are jamming to my playlist.
On the topic of saying “yes,” this week’s newsletter is all about confidence. It’s about stepping into your power and bad bitch energy. (Maybe don’t say “yes” to going to a warehouse with strangers at 3 am. That’s… different).
Stepping into your confidence
All of us are entirely capable of being confident. I didn’t really understand what confidence was or where it came from until very recently. I thought some people were just naturally more confident than others. You know those girlies who strut around with their shoulders back that men just FLOCK to? I thought that type of person was like a unicorn. Rare and born different. But I’ve since learned that confidence is a skill that you learn, develop, and practice. And it’s one that you need to continue practicing your entire life.
Since there is nothing in this world sexier than being confident - and I KNOW we all want to be sexy ;) - I’m breaking down my favorite tips and tricks to help you step into your confidence.
Replace anxiety with excitement. I learned this trick from Jay Shetty. The way your body feels when you’re anxious is actually very similar to how you feel when you’re excited. So, instead of saying “no” to something because it makes you too nervous, tell yourself that you’re excited about it. Going on a first date? How exciting. Speaking in front of your entire team? How fucking EXCITING. Not only will this put you in a better mindset, you’ll actually perform better.
Be aware of negativity bias. Listen, a fear of failure and rejection never truly goes away. It’s in our nature. The most confident people in the world still fear failure. The difference is, they don’t let the fear hinder them from stepping into their power or trying something new. Negativity bias refers to our brain’s tendency to focus on our failures. When we become aware of this, we can counter negativity bias by looking for evidence of our successes instead. We have all failed. But we have also all succeeded. So if you’re scared as shit to slide into someone’s DMs, write down all the times you shooted your shot and succeeded. Does sliding into someone’s DMs actually work? Asking for a friend.
Fake it till you make it. I think a lot of times, we’re put off by the effort it takes to get to where we want to be. We see a huge gap and shut down because it feels hopeless. But what if we worked to make that gap smaller everyday. What if we woke up every morning and thought, “What would my ideal self do today?” If you want to become an influencer, then post on TikTok every day. If you want to get a dumpy, then go to the gym consistently. I’ve preached this so many times before, but act like you already are that confident bad bitch at the bar. Practice what a confident person does. Introduce yourself to others. Speak with conviction. This is where affirmations can come in handy. They help convince our minds that we already are that magnetic and confident person.
Become a “YES” person. Saying “no” to something just because it scares you or makes you uncomfortable means that you’re not pushing yourself to learn or grow. Again, I’m not telling you to say “yes” to a potentially dangerous situation. I’m telling you to say “yes” to a night out with people you barely know. I’m telling you to say “yes” to joining a volleyball team even though you tend to get hit in the face every time you play. Saying “yes” to new experiences that are out of your element help boost your confidence because you overcome something that scares you. The more you say “yes,” the more you trust your ability to figure shit out. And maybe you’ll meet new friends or learn something about yourself along the way.
Keep promises to yourself. Okay guys. This is truly the most important piece of advice I have to offer. In my opinion, the true key to building confidence is keeping the promises you make to yourself. My confidence has truly skyrocketed after going to the gym consistently, writing this newsletter every week, journaling daily, etc. Why? Because the only person holding me accountable to doing this work, is me. You’ll be able to look back at the growth and progress you’ve made and thank yourself for it. You did that shit all on your own. Keeping promises to yourself will help you gain the confidence in knowing that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. And there is so much power in that.
Get dressed up. Here’s a Stella hack: when you feel insecure, get dressed up. I sometimes go into the office simply so I can do my makeup and wear a cute fit. And honestly, it works like 75% of the time. Sometimes, the way to feel like a baddie is to look like one.
Remember that no one gives a fuck. I want you to scroll through your Insta stories. Did you think twice about the girl who just posted a selfie or the guy who posted a pic of his abs? Did you look at it for longer than .01 seconds? Probably not. Because most people are way too concerned with themselves to pay any attention to things like that. It’s actually so freeing to realize that people have better things to do than to nit pick your appearance and focus on you. So post whatever the fuck you want. Wear whatever the fuck you want. And if anyone judges, you don’t want them in your life anyways.
Be authentic. The caveat to ALL of this is that you should always do what feels authentic to you. Live by your values. Speak up for what you believe in. I think a lot of us can be really malleable (especially with new friends or coworkers or a crush) because we want to be liked. We don’t speak up when we really want to because we’re afraid of going against the grain. A hard truth is that not everyone is going to like you. But please know that there are a shit ton of people out there who will. To attract the right people and opportunities into your life, you have to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. The guise of acting a certain way for someone can only be held up for so long.
Knowing that confidence is a skill that is learned, practiced, and developed puts so much power back into our hands. We have the ability to become a confident person if we work at it every day. So let’s start saying “yes” to something that scares us. Let’s be authentic. Let’s post that fucking selfie because no one gives a fuck anyways. There will be bad days where you wake up feeling like dog shit. But there will also be good days where you feel proud as fuck of who you are and how far you’ve come.