When being single f*cking sucks
It's all fun and games until the carriage scene in Bridgerton
I used to be a lot more vulnerable on here and overshare about my life. But recently, I’ve had both big time writers block and am simultaneously worried about who might be reading this. How unfiltered do I really want to get with the coworkers, bosses, exes, etc.
But maybe that’s the reason I’ve been avoiding writing this as much. Without the vulnerability and oversharing, it’s become a lot less fun.
So with that, today’s topic is about the complexities of singleness.
My newsletter has attempted to be a manifesto on how freeing and beautiful and powerful being single can be. There’s such a massive misconception that single people are never really single by choice. Or that they’re always sad and jealous of their friends who are in relationships.
I’ve been single(ish) for 2 years now and if it wasn’t for being alone, I wouldn’t have made some of the best memories of my life. I’ve had so many moments where I’ve genuinely thanked the universe for being single. Like when I bought a last minute plane ticket to Puerto Rico last month to visit my friend. Or when I booked a trip to Japan the week before. Or when I see couples fighting at a bar and remember that I never have to deal with that again. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy being single.
And then I watch Dexter and Emma finally end up together in One Day. Or Colin’s declaration of love for Penelope in Bridgerton. The carriage scene quite literally took me out. That “I-love-being-single,“ independent energy goes out the door for a second and I remember that sometimes, being single fucking sucks.
I’ve been in a phase recently where I feel like life has caught up to me. There is truly so much I want to do while I’m single that I’ve been scared to even entertain the possibility of letting someone in. I’ve deprioritized dating for so long now that I look around and realize that I’m the only single friend left. And now, I’m slipping into the dangerous “what’s wrong with me” headspace.
When I fall into these ruts, it’s so easy to start freaking out. I re-download the apps and scroll for way too long. I go out when I don’t want to. Recently, I’ve even expanded my horizons to exploring the phenomenon that is men under 6’0 on Hinge.
The past few weeks haven’t been easy and I’ve put together a few reminders to get myself out of this. I hope some of it helps you, too.
It’s okay to love being single most days and hate it other days. I almost feel guilty when I have a bad day or a bad week because I feel a bit pathetic. Like all the work I’ve put in to be independent and at peace being alone has suddenly gone out the door. It’s not back peddling to wonder when you’ll find your person. No matter how much being single rocks, you’re not pathetic for craving love and companionship.
If you’re spending too much time on the apps or they’re making you feel like shit, delete them. Dating is meant to be fun. And while Hinge may never be enjoyable, it shouldn’t actively be harming your mental health. Delete it for a day or a week or a month. You’re not taking a step backwards by refocusing on yourself for a bit.
Trust in the timing. It’s an annoying one to be reminded of, I get it. But when I look back at the last two years, I know that I was meant to be single. I was meant to find myself fully, to experience life differently, and to make the memories that I did. While it may not make sense right now, it’ll make all the sense in the world later.
Singleness looks different for everyone. You don’t have to have a roster. You don’t have to hookup with people if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to date. Do what feels good for you in the moment. This is a period of time we’ll never get back, so live life selfishly. Live your life as if you’ll meet the love of your life tomorrow.
Shift your negative thoughts into more positive ones. Your thoughts create your reality. If you’re focusing too much on the “I’m gonna die alone” mentality, you’ll naturally start throwing that desperation out into the universe. So distract yourself. Pour yourself into something that makes you feel good. Start tracking those negative thoughts and reframe them. “I’ll never find my person” → “I’m so excited for when I do.” Maybe your dream person won’t fall out of the sky, but at least the road to finding them will feel a little less daunting.
I know that despite these reminders, sad days are inevitable. I’m there right now. But you’re not alone and you will find love and you WILL get your mojo back. I promise.
Next week, I’m diving into the art of intentionally dating. Because as much as we do need to trust in the timing, we should also put in a little work.